I still think of the You who once made me happy. The You who once made me feel safe even in our distance. The You I could rely on, the You who was always there for me. The You who made me laugh even though you weren't (and likely still aren't) even remotely funny. The You who made me smile any time I thought of you; heard your voice, read your text. The You I loved no matter how much You hurt me. You hurt me despite all of this. I shared my deepest and darkest secrets with you and you used it as an opportunity to talk about yourself. I almost couldn't confide in you when something tragic happened to me, you got it out of me and still made me regret telling you. I regret getting so close to you. I regret thinking that I loved you; I didn't love you as much as I'd thought, I was infatuated with the You that pretended to want me until you were stuck with me and had no idea how to love me. You weren't even hurt when we parted. I was crushed. I felt so much relief when I said goodbye, but I wasn't done. I still needed you and it was a sick feeling. I wanted you so bad, I did desperate things I'll regret forever. I was not that person, you knew it, you knew that I was more scared of dividing us. I'd do anything to keep you around, you didn't deserve it. Sometimes, I want you to hurt like you hurt me so many times. I want you to know what it's like to want no one else but the one you "love" and have them cancel your plans for literally anything/anyone else in the world. I want you to feel unimportant, unloved. Cry every night. EVERY night wondering what you did wrong. Thinking of the next desperate act you'll pull just to try to get their attention and still not get it. That's how you made me feel, why am I the only one who needed to suffer? I'm glad we don't know each other anymore. Correction; I stopped knowing the "you" you wanted me to know long before I ended things with you. You've never known me, because you never really wanted to, but I'm a lot different now, anyway. I distanced myself from you because the new me didn't need you. I no longer craved the attention, and affection I once craved, even if it was always on your terms. I'm writing all this for closure. Yeah my life is still terrible but I'm doing much better without you. I'll admit, when I'm having a breakdown -like recently- I still feel like I need you. It makes me feel incredibly sick to my stomach. I don't want you, now; I want the You who once made me happy even if it was short lived but I don't need you, and never really have. It's funny to think you'll read this and not even recognize me despite everything I've mentioned (you did always have a hard time picking up on my passive aggressive comments and the like). I think you might know me since it hasn't been a long time, but You've probably already forgotten my name, again.

Bop! Apr 07 2021 10:58pm FLAG